Tips on How to Make the Holidays a Little Less Stressful
By Becca Liberty
With the holidays and winter break finally here, many of us look forward to a break from routine and time away from the expectations and demands of our everyday lives. While this time of year can be an opportunity to relax and spend time with loved ones, it can also be incredibly stressful and overwhelming, especially for our neurodivergent family and friends. Knowing how to celebrate this wonderful time of year in a way that is inclusive and supportive of the neurodivergent people in our lives is dependent upon the unique needs of the individual(s). When in doubt, ask, check-in, and stay open to feedback. Below we’ll share recommendations from Autistic, ADHD, and other neurodivergent individuals on things to consider when making holiday plans.
A special note for all of our neurodivergent adults reading this: be sure to take time to consider your own needs amidst the responsibilities and demands of creating a magical holiday season for your loved ones.
Maintain some sense of routine.
Some neurodivergent brains need structure and routine to feel safe and secure. This is especially true of our neurodivergent children. As much as they may enjoy time away from school, the end of the year can be dysregulating for many children as they break from the schedule and routine of the typical academic environment for the unstructured free time of winter break. Maintaining some sense of routine, whether that be consistent meal and bedtimes or continuing to attend weekly scheduled activities (e.g., therapy appointments, dance classes, tutoring sessions), can go a long way in terms of promoting regulation and making it easier to transition back after the break.
Communicate plans and expectations clearly.
When plans or schedules change, we can all become frustrated and annoyed, especially if we are balancing multiple holiday events or activities in one day. Some neurodivergent individuals can find these last-minute changes especially distressing, especially if they need time to prepare themselves to engage socially, clarify roles or expectations, manage anxiety, and/or develop a plan for responding to overwhelm and overstimulation. Advance notice is often helpful for the neurodivergent brain to ‘change gears’ and prepare to navigate a different environment. Similarly, be sure to communicate expectations clearly ahead of time to allow time to adapt. For example, if an event is going to require a certain dress code, let everyone know as far in advance as possible. This will allow for the opportunity to choose clothing that suits the individual’s sensory needs and/or is consistent with the environment.
Allow time to decompress, regulate, and recharge.
Holiday events, large family gatherings, and even just having the entire family home at one time can be overwhelming for anyone. However, differences in social communication styles and sensory processing can make these environments even more overstimulating for neurodivergent individuals. Be sure to allow downtime between events and activities where everyone can take space, meet their sensory needs, and regulate. Likewise, if they need to step out of the room in the middle of Christmas dinner or find an empty room during a party, please understand that this isn’t meant to offend or disrupt, neurodivergent individuals may simply need a few minutes to decompress and self-regulate before rejoining the festivities. Additionally, when your loved one returns, please don’t draw attention to them with comments like, “look who’s finally joining us,” which can be embarrassing and induce feelings of shame.
Consider and support sensory needs.
Honor your child’s sensory needs, even if it doesn’t fit the holiday aesthetic. You may want that perfect holiday photo. The one where everyone is smiling in matching outfits. However, consider the cost of that single snapshot compared to you/your child’s comfort, regulation, and ability to enjoy the rest of the day. As much as we love matching holiday pajamas, forcing yourself/your child to wear uncomfortable, hot, or scratchy outfits can lead to sensory discomfort and dysregulation that impacts their entire day. Consider asking your neurodivergent loved one to help pick out this year’s family outfit, or allow everyone to pick their own clothing within a certain color scheme instead. Similarly, allow yourself/your child to wear ear plugs or headphones to dampen the noise of family gatherings, if needed. If you’re worried about how they’ll look in photos, encourage them to decorate their headphones with a festive look. Finally, have some safe foods on hand to ensure there will be something for them to eat so they can continue to feel energized and engaged.
Respect boundaries and limits.
Large family gatherings and holiday events often come with a long list of expectations, such as engaging with others, answering questions, participating in games, and trying new foods. For those who have a harder time navigating social environments, they may be utilizing all of their social and emotional resources just to be present. Placing additional demands on them (e.g., forcing them to participate in a game), especially when those demands draw attention, such as asking them to tell a relative about their most recent accomplishment or making them open presents in front of everyone, can be highly dysregulating and produce extreme anxiety. This may also be true of individuals who prefer not to engage in physical contact, when they are expected to hug or shake hands with every relative present. Respecting the limits and boundaries of our neurodivergent loved ones is critical to their ability to enjoy these events. Just because they may be sitting quietly in the corner does not mean they aren’t having a great time.
If you’re the parent or caregiver of a neurodivergent child, you should help your child to set and maintain boundaries with other adults in the family. For example, texting family members ahead of time requesting they not try to force your child to give them a hug can help ease your child’s anxiety. Similarly, standing up for your child when a relative gets too ‘pushy’ about trying a new food or joining in on an activity can promote feelings of safety and security, while empowering your child to self-advocate for their needs.
Finally, encourage authentic socializing.
Neurodivergent individuals often have different social communication styles. Appreciating your loved one’s authentic manner of engaging socially is the best way to ensure they feel supported and included during the holiday season. Asking a neurodivergent individual to ‘mask,’ or engage in social communication that does not feel natural to them, comes at a significant cognitive and emotional cost. Instead, appreciate how your loved one demonstrates their excitement and happiness (e.g., stimming, ‘infodumping,’ sharing about a special interest), even if it doesn’t look how you expect (e.g., a smile, eye contact, engaging in ‘small talk’). Engaging your loved one in a way that is authentic to their social communication style and allows them to feel fully themselves is the greatest gift you can give.
We hope this helps guide you on how to better support yourself and/or your neurodivergent family members during the holidays. Everyone deserves to enjoy the magic this time of year can bring. Wishing you all a happy and healthy holiday season!
